Darkness
by be my escape1
Summary: This is Edward's version of ch. 3 of New Moon. Right and wrong, two simple five letter words. I had thought so much about them the last few days..........
1. Chapter 1

**A/N- Ok this is something I have been working on for a while. I could never decided if it was quite right so I just decided to post it. It starts in chapter 3 of _New Moon_ and it is in Edward's POV. I have written the second half of the story and it is called _The Final Act_. It is already posted. So if people like this I will continue with it. I have enough stuff to probably write another few chapters in order to tell the whole story that I have in my head. Alright enough from me. Please read and review. Nashville here I come!!**

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer**

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Right and wrong, two simple five letter words. I had thought so much about them the last few days. Was it right for me to keep her for myself? Yes, but it was also wrong to put her life in danger. Selfish creature that I am, I thought of my needs and wants first. In the end it wasn't about my wants and needs it was about Bella and her safety. The vision of my love in mortal danger because of what my family and I were was just too much. It was hard enough when outsiders were a threat to her, but it was unbearable to think that a threat had come from inside my family.

A paper cut. It was something so trivial, people get paper cuts all the time but in the presence of my family it turned into a life threatening situation. Jasper's reaction to the paper cut, what was he thinking? He wasn't, that was the problem, he was reacting to instinct. Jasper had a harder time then the rest of us. I couldn't blame him, after all I was the one who brought Bella into this family, into this dangerous life. The blame rested solely on my shoulders and now I had to make it right.

The last three days have been torture. I have slowly been letting her go. I sent my family away the day after her disastrous party. I had to harden my resolve. Alice didn't believe I could truly walk away completely. Esme was just concerned about what would happen to me. I couldn't have them around they would try to influence my decision. I knew a time would come when we would be apart. I just always thought that it would be her decision that she would get tired of me. I never thought I would have to leave her because it was my choice. I felt the sadness consume me. The past three days had been torture worse then anything I had experienced in my existence.

Today was the day I would say good bye to Bella. I could do this, I had to do this. She would move on, her life would be full of love and warmth. I slowly continued this mantra to myself convincing myself that this was what was right. I would ask her to meet me at her house after school and I would tell her. Then I would leave forever. The thought was almost impossible to believe.

Bella met me at her house after school just like I had asked. I had to make this happen it was time to say goodbye. I didn't know how long this would take. I could spend all afternoon trying to convince her that I didn't love her. She may never believe me. I convinced her to walk with me into the forest. She was hesitant and she knew something was coming. It was plain on her face that she was uncomfortable about the distance I had put between us. It would be worse in a few minutes. How could I do this? But I had to for her sake.

I leaned against a tree looking into her deep brown eyes trying to remember all the reasons I was telling her goodbye.

"Okay, let's talk," she said this with such a brave face but I could see the fear in her eyes.

"Bella we're leaving." There I had said it and it sounded all wrong.

"Why now? Another year-" She thought she was coming with me. I had to stop this.

"Bella , it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We would have to start over soon regardless." A slow realization crept onto her face. I stared at her coldly to drive home the point and the pain that coursed through my body was worse than my transformation.

"When you say we-," she barely whispered her question. She knew the answer.

"I mean my family and myself," I said each word deliberately separate from the next making the point clear that she was not part of my family and the pain continued to rip through me. She shook her head trying to clear the doubt I had put there. I waited to see just how much she understood what I was trying to tell her.

"Okay, I'll come with you." She had missed the point completely and each passing minute weakened my resolve.

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going …It's not the right place for you." I said this with a conviction I wasn't sure I still had but she fought back.

"Where you are is the right place for me."

"I'm no good for you Bella." I had to take the blame and it was the truth, I wasn't good for her. My existence brought her nothing but pain and near death experiences.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're the best part of my life." And you're the very bet part of mine is what I wanted to say but that would defeat the purpose. She was still holding on.

"My world is not for you."

"What happened with Jasper- that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" She was angry and her resolve had not yet weakened. There had to be a way. I couldn't bear to watch the pain I was causing her.

"You're right it was exactly what was to be expected."

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay-"

"As long as that was best for you," I reminded. I was no longer best for her. I could only bring her harm.

"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" She meant her words to sound angry but there was a pleading to her tone that I couldn't shake. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you- it's yours already!"

It was so much more than I could take. She loved me; she would give everything to be with me even her soul. I couldn't take it. I couldn't destroy her and make her a monster like I was. I loved her too much for that. I was now about to do the one thing that I knew would convince her. I had to harden my resolve first. I looked at the ground for a brief moment composing my thoughts. I could feel my lips twist at the thought of the damage I was about to do to the one person who loved me unconditionally.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." Those were the hardest words I have ever spoken. How could I not want her? She was the one bright light amongst all the darkness in my existence. It had taken a century for me to find someone to be my equal and I had to let her go. There had to be something better than me for her out there.

Bella repeated my words slowly. "You…don't…want…me?" It was obvious my words had served their purpose. Bella looked stricken. My words had succeeded and everything inside me screamed _no._ How could she believe me so easily? I was prepared to do battle for hours to convince her, this was right but she had no confidence in my love. How easy it was for her to doubt me?

"No."

"Well that changes things." Bella's heart was racing even though she appeared calm on the outside. I couldn't bear to look at her. Everything inside crumbled. I looked away to the trees again to gain some courage.

"Of course, I'll always love you ….in a way." In everyway that mattered. "But what happened the other night made me realize it's time for a change. Because I'm…tired of pretending to be something I'm not Bella. I'm not human." I wished more than anything that I _was_ human. It took everything in me to continue with the lies. "I've let this go on far too long, and I'm sorry for that."

"Don't. Don't do this." She could barely speak and the pain I was inflicting on her would forever haunt my thoughts.

"You're not good for me, Bella." Everything I said was blasphemy against the feelings I truly had for her. Yet she still believed all of it so easily.

"If …that's what you want." NO, my mind screamed. I wanted to scream and yell and shake some sense into her. But this is what had to happen. Bella deserved the freedom from my existence, from the monster that I was.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if it's not too much." I looked at her full in the face for the first time and the pain I saw there caught me off guard. I could feel the pain I saw in her face start to reflect in my face but I composed myself quickly. I was too far in I had to finish this. I didn't know how much longer I could look at her without completely falling apart.

"Anything." She could only speak in whispers now, a sure sign that reality had settled over her.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid. Do you understand what I'm saying?" I could no longer speak to her in detached tones. I needed her to understand me. I couldn't have her hurting herself over me. It was destroying me to leave her but if anything happened to her I would cease to exist. It really was that simple. She nodded slowly in response. "I am thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself-for him." I so desperately wanted to add and for me. It would not serve a purpose except to give her hope and there was none of that left for either of us.

"I will make you a promise in return. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without anymore interference from me. It will be as if I never existed." I wish that were the case. If I didn't exist I wouldn't cause her pain but then I would never have known a love so deep and true that it brought me to my knees.


	2. Chapter 2

OK So here is my completion of CH 3 from Edward's POV. I hope you like it. I am not sure if there is anything left to tell about this part of this story. I will have to wait and see what comes to me. If you want to see what happens later in NM from Edward's POV check out _**The Final Act**_ my other fic. So please read and review. Thank you to everyone who reviewed last time please do so again. Enjoy!!!

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I watched Bella take in this last bit of information. She was unraveling quickly. Again her heart rate increased and this time her knees started to shake. I had to leave before I unraveled too. I gave her my best fake smile and lied one last time. "Don't worry. You're human- your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." I will be nothing but a faded memory to her, a figment of her imagination. I hated to even think about Bella not remembering me but that was a reality I had to face. It was what I had chosen for us. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

"And your memories?" The pain in her voice was so hard to listen to.

"Well….I won't forget. But my kind……we're very easily distracted." I was such a good liar I almost believed what I had said. There was nothing in the world that could distract me from my true love. I would be haunted by this forever. I stepped away from her preparing for the permanent separation I was about to enforce. "That's everything I suppose. We won't bother you again."

"Alice isn't coming back?" Bella realized what my words had truly meant. I knew this would make everything that much more difficult. Bella and Alice were like sisters, best friends. Alice had protested my decision but she respected it. Plus she was very focused on Jasper and everything he was going through. It had to be this way. She couldn't say goodbye to all of us it wouldn't work. It needed to be quick and as painless as possible.

"No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?"

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." It was hard enough for me but having the others say goodbye as well just wouldn't be feasible. Alice voiced her opinion quite clearly to me on how long she thought I would last and I couldn't have her share that with Bella. Alice especially may have said something to give Bella hope and that would not due. All hope was lost.

It was time to say goodbye, but the words were so hard to say. I kept telling myself they were just words. I realized it wasn't the words that bothered as much as the meaning behind them. By saying them it meant that everything was over. The happiness I experienced for the past few months would end and I would go back to the existence I knew before. But then again not the same existence as before, knowing Bella has altered me forever. I would forever be changed because of her. Her love had brought out a side of me that I though had died in 1918. I had felt human in her presence but I was still a monster. I had to do it now; I couldn't stand here any longer. "Goodbye, Bella" I used the most calm, peaceful voice could conjure up. It hid all the anguish I felt. The words sounded so foreign coming from me. I had said them many times before but this time was much more permanent. I wouldn't be sneaking back into her room to lay beside her and watch her sleep. Goodbye meant an everlasting absence from her life.

"Wait!" She could barely speak the word. She reached for me. I wanted to take her in my arms and hold her forever. Instead I took hold of her wrists and gently held her arms to her side. I could see the pain of rejection on her face when she realized I wasn't reaching out to hold her. All of it was becoming too much. I would break before I even left her if I didn't go immediately. I leaned forward placing on last fleeting kiss on her forehead. In that moment I memorized everything about her one last time. "Take care of yourself." I noticed Bella's eyes were closed and with those last words I ran as fast as I could away from my only happiness.

In the distance I could hear Bella calling after me. It was so hard to keep moving forward, away from her, when everything in me was drawn to her voice. I pushed myself forward trying to block out the pained cries of "_Edward_" that followed me. She is better off without me. I am not good enough for her. I am a monster that haunted her once pleasant life.

I had one last thing left to take care of before Bella returned to the house. I knew I should destroy everything that was left of me in her life but I just couldn't. I needed to know that one day she might find a reminder of me, that she would have some sense of my presence still in her room. I took the cd I made her, the plane tickets from Esme and Carlisle, and the pictures she had taken of me and hid them under her floor boards. She would never know that they were there but I wanted to leave something behind. When I was finished it was time to leave for good. I looked around the room that was my only sanctuary and remembered all the happiness I had found here. It would stay here with Bella. There was nothing happy left for me. I was Romeo, exiled to a far off place, separated from his one true love. This self imposed exiled was permanent. I was leaving all the love I had ever known behind for good.

The emptiness I had started to feel earlier in the day had grown to consume me completely. I ran back to my house and got into my car. I drove as fast as I could away from Forks. As I drove Bella's pleas echoed in my ears. I braced myself for an eternity of remembering the pain I had caused her. The pain I had caused myself was nothing in comparison to what I had done to her. I drove in silence toward Chicago. I was meeting my family there and we were going to decide where to go next. I felt we needed to go somewhere Bella wouldn't think to look, just in case. She knew of Denali and I couldn't have her looking for us because if she found me I wouldn't be able to send her away. Saying goodbye once was more than I had ever planned on doing a second would destroy me.

I continued to drive and replay the conversation from earlier. _I don't want you_, how could she believe such a thing? How could I say such a thing? She didn't want to believe such things, I told myself. I made her believe. This is what I thought was right. But what did it matter, it was done now. There was no going back. Second guessing my decision was not going to help Bella or me. I would forever be altered by the girl whose face sat behind my eyelids calling me back to her. I was barely out of Washington and I already wanted to go back. Every mile that I put between Bella and I made the wounds grow deeper and more painful. I existed in a constant state of pain now and it was all I deserved. I drove faster as the sky grew darker, reflecting my mood.

It was twilight now, the end of the longest day of my existence. The beginning of the darkness, I lived in darkness now without Bella as my radiant light. I was consumed by darkness, no matter how many times the sun rose and fell darkness was all I saw.


	3. Chapter 3

**Here is the end of the story. This is just what I think happens when Edward is away from Bella before he talks to Rosalie. Hope you like it. Please review**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters plot or setting they belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

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Time passes but does not heal all wounds. I can't say for certain how long it has been since I left Bella. If eternity could grow longer mine certainly has. The sun rises and falls, the seasons change but I have ceased to do anything. Without her my existence has no meaning.

I met with my family in Chicago after leaving and we decided that New York would be a good place to go. New York seemed like a fine choice but even being on opposite coasts didn't stop my mind from constantly wondering what Bella was doing. I think the family thought that if they put distance between Bella and I it would be easier, but it wasn't. The few days I spent with my family were long and painful but then again all days were that way for me. Esme grieved the loss of Bella almost as much as I did and still do. The pain in hers eyes was a reflection of what can be found in mine and that was too much to take. The others hide their thoughts from me. They would count things or sing songs. It was clear they have definite opinions on the matter and no one wanted to discuss them. The worst part was watching the others love each other. Seeing them hold hands, kiss and just be close ripped open wounds that I had so carefully bandaged. Bella was the only person in the world I wanted to hold and kiss and I could never do that again. The pain reached a new high on that day.

Then there was the wrath of Rosalie that followed me through the house. Rosalie shared whatever was on her mind. She was never fond of Bella and hated moving because of her. Rosalie's thoughts flowed freely around me and many times I winced at the memories she conjured up for me. The others would even mention things that seemingly had nothing to do with Bella and I would find a way to connect her to it. She was always on the fore front of my mind. It was too much of me to ask my family to simply not think, so I left. I know that they worried about me but I chose this for myself. It is my fate to exist alone in this world. I deserve nothing more.

I decided after leaving my family that I needed to search for Victoria. I needed something to avoid the pain that possessed my being. I followed a trail to Texas with no luck of catching her. I wanted so badly to catch Victoria. I needed to destroy something, a way to release my anger. Victoria was a good target for that. She was no direct threat to Bella but she was James' companion and she did try to harm my family. I was never meant to be a tracker. It was not a gift of mine. I followed a false trail to South America. I was frustrated at my inadequacies. Could I do nothing right? I decided to wait a while before searching again. I hide in an old tenement building in a dark attic crawl space. There was just no use in my fruitless efforts to search for Victoria. I couldn't focus on anything. Bella haunted my thoughts. I had been chasing Victoria but really I was running from Forks. I was running from the pain I had caused Bella, the pain that racked my being on the daily basis. She believed so easily that I didn't love her. I think about that part of our goodbye more than anything else. "You're not good for me," it was such a blatant lie. Yet she believed it. Five words had shattered all the trust and love we had built. Maybe she could believe the lie because somewhere deep down she didn't love me. That would be understandable. I was never good enough to deserve her love. I was a monster with no soul. Love was not something I deserved from someone so pure.

Time seems to stand still for my kind. I cannot sleep but I still have nightmares. Vivid images from our goodbye haunt my thoughts daily. The worst days occur when I am foolish enough to allow myself to think of the happiness I once felt. Those were the days that eternity started to take on new lengths. The first time I took her to the meadow, her warmth even the prom. Those are the memories that shatter my marble façade. I may be indestructible on the outside but I am ruined on the inside. If I had a heart it stayed behind in Forks with my true love. There were also the days that I felt the need to truly torture myself. Sick, masochistic lion, I heard Bella's voice echo in my mind. I thought of Bella following my instructions and finding love with someone normal. I always feared Mike Newton would win her over, vile Mike Newton. He wasn't worthy of her love. He didn't deserve to spend a second with her. Jealousy always seemed to rear its ugly head during this part of the torture. I had no right to be jealous. I had left I had told to her to find someone else.

As time passed it was harder to remember why I had left and even harder to remember why I couldn't go back. My thoughts had recently turned to going back and what awaited me there. She could have moved on but just to be in her presence again would heal some of my wounds. Her warmth called to me. I was weakening in my resolve to stay away. I could just go back. The feelings that washed through my body at that thought were so soothing. But I had had promised and I had to hold true to that. I had to do something right. My internal struggle raged to new heights and then my cell phone rang. What on earth did Rosalie want?


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